Dedication

I am sharing a section of the memoir as part of the Kickstarter campaign

Dedication

You

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1.4 million people attempted suicide and over 48,000 suicide deaths occurred in the United States in 2018. That’s one person taking their life every 11 minutes. And according to the World Health Organization, 800,000 people around the world commit suicide each year. That’s one person every 40 seconds.

Often times people associate suicide and mental health with psychological disorders. Yet, even though people at risk for considering suicide may be experiencing depression or other mental health conditions, there are also those at risk who are experiencing challenges bringing on emotional pain that is too difficult to bear. Our mental health encompasses our overall emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing, which is why this memoir exhibits how circumstances can cause emotional distress and how self-realization is effective in tapping into our ability to manage or overcome adversities.

This book is about facing what’s tearing us up inside and causing our emptiness, so that we can discover what we have within us to overcome those afflictions and be able to thrive in life. As experiences are shared in this book, there may be a moment or moments when a trauma is triggered. If this happens, bring yourself back to the present by allowing your body to trigger your brain to be calm through sensory soothing. Look around you and say five things you see. Listen, say five things you hear. Touch what’s near you: a table, wall, tree, grass. Say what it feels like. Say what you smell. And, if you have something to eat, take a bite and notice the flavors you taste. This grounding method is a suggestion. See what works for you.

If at any moment you feel suicidal, call someone you trust, find a support group, call your local suicide hotline, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. By July 2022, the Lifeline number—nationwide—will be 988, designated by the Federal Communications Commission. Reach out to these resources to prevent yourself from making a permanent decision during times when you feel that leaving this Earth is your only option. We haven’t met, but I want you to be here and I hope the fact that you are reading this book means you want to be here too. That’s why I dedicate this book to you.

Dear Reader,

This book is dedicated to you, all of you who are striving to figure out how to get through the day when you have reached emptiness, when you have to get out of bed, face society, force a smile or polite conversation, use all the energy you can gather from every part of your being just to put one foot in front of the other or simply to breathe.

It doesn’t help when others ignore us until we act “right” or they feel annoyed because we aren’t brightening their day with a forced smile or false happiness. Our depleting vitality isn’t replenished when they tell us they’re too strong to be like us, or they say things like:

“Snap out of it!”

“There are people worse off than you.”

“Get over it.”

“Suck it up, everyone goes through this or goes through something.”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“You don’t have real problems.”

“You’re being pathetic.”

“Stop being weak.”

How about if instead they said, “I’m here to listen.” Or, “I’m here to understand.”

Yet the truth is, we have to be the ones to save ourselves. Support from others is helpful and sometimes lifesaving, but we have to put in the effort to take steps that lead us to the peace, happiness, and love we crave. It is up to us to realize that every day that we wake up, we are given another chance, a gift, and an opportunity to live our life the way we truly want to.

Life can hurt. People can hurt us. We can feel unwanted, unloved, and invisible. We can be ostracized for being viewed as different. We can be overlooked for the promotion we hoped for, not get hired for a job we wanted, or not be chosen to be a part of a team or social group we aspired to be a part of. We can struggle financially and fail at things we tried so hard to accomplish. We can get sick, lose loved ones, fear for our lives, fear for our rights, and lose hope. Sometimes we don’t even know what it is, but inside there’s a hollowness consuming us.

We may face numerous painful trials. For some of us, those trials may be so insufferable that seeing another day doesn’t seem bearable. So, when we wake to each day, what can we do to get from a point where making it out of bed is our biggest accomplishment, to being happy we’re alive? The ailments that have beat us down in the past or that continue to throw punches at us may not go away or, even when they do, others may come back or new trials may emerge. There are times when all any of us can do when facing these external and internal battles is take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time.

However, throughout my journey I have learned that we can take control of our lives for the long term by knowing who we are and the unlimited potential we possess. When being aware of who we are, it's important to realize that in addition to genetic inheritance partly shaping us, how we're impacted by environmental factors makes up who we are today as well. These external elements are the people and circumstances in our past that continue to act as puppeteers in our current lives causing us to see ourselves the way we do, react to situations in a certain way, or make decisions that may or may not be self-sabotaging. To be aware of the sources that currently puppeteer our lives we must explore how our past experiences and the lessons we accept as truth from family, peers, religion, education, politics, environment, and the media have developed our beliefs and created emotions in us that guide our actions.

We need to identify how those factors contributed to formulating our fears, anger, sadness, doubt in our ability to resolve conflicts, doubt in our resilience to endure or rise above hardships, lack of confidence in self, lack of love for self and others, and any other self-defeating, self-critical, and insecure thoughts that hold us back from happily living our lives and being true to who we are. This isn’t about dwelling on our history and feeling sorry for ourselves though. We need to face the past because when past hurt remains within us, it affects our current life. For evidence of how this happens, reflect on any current decisions you are making, and ask yourself why you are making those decisions.

Every time constructed fears, anger, and insecurities hold us back and ruin relationships and opportunities, the past is in charge. But we can release ourselves from the past by un-accepting disparaging thoughts we’ve developed from the elements that harmed us. When you know what led you to believe you don’t matter, that you’re not enough, or other thoughts that tear you down, when you choose to no longer accept that internal dialogue as truth or no longer accept toxicity as reality, you free yourself. While cutting yourself away from past pain, you can also find solace in current heartache or emotional distress when you allow yourself time to heal or when acknowledging your capacity to get through challenges or your autonomy to change circumstances.

Releasing suffering’s control over you liberates your spirit from captivity. It opens you up to knowing your worth and generates or resurrects your fortitude to intentionally live a good life and face what tries to knock you down. It heightens your resolve, giving you a platform to say, “I’m going to stay standing, and if I do fall I will get back up!”

I’m not telling you that life will always be roses and sunshine, because it’s about how you adapt to or overcome circumstances. Sometimes incidents take place that knock you down and sometimes you’ll feel down because that’s just how you’re feeling. When I feel sad for no reason or without being aware of any emotionally charged events provoking this emotion, I give myself permission to feel how I feel. I allow myself to go through the range in feelings until they pass. Other times, I perform coping techniques: I listen to music, write, dance, cook, nap, go for a walk, exercise, drive through the mountains, carry out an act of kindness, or watch certain funny or uplifting videos or movies. Sometimes I just need to scream into a pillow or go to a gym to hit a punching bag to release pent up frustrations; most of those are temporary fixes to elevate my mood. For the most part, I engage in self-care routines that maintain my overall well-being for the long-term. And, customarily, I reflect on what’s bringing me down so I can work on a solution. We all need to find what works for us to healthily restore ourselves.

I’m also not telling you things get better—hurtful incidents may or will occur—but when you change your perception, you change your reaction. I still encounter battles, but I have a new way of looking at situations and now recognize what I have within me to overcome conflicts.

Realize what you have within yourself for facing conflicts as well, and not only when it comes to overcoming difficult events. If you’re living with hollowness inside of you, it takes immense personal strength to manage the emotional and physical pain that comes with it. Sometimes we can be hard on ourselves for feeling as we do, but the fact that you’re still here conquering battles is a triumph to recognize.

And we need to not be hard on ourselves as we navigate our way through the healing process. After I attempted to take my life, I began to take steps to heal my heart, body, spirit, and mind, yet it took three years of making barely noticeable minor changes before I even touched the surface of making lasting progress. I know this because while writing this book, I read through my old journals and recognized the time it took for my behavior to start shifting into a healthier direction. In reading past entries, I realized how my reflections on myself, life experiences, and the world changed from the time I first started writing in my journals, to three years after my suicide attempt. I realized how my views, language, and the attitude I expressed, which overcompensated for my lack of self-worth, had started to minimize. I noticed how my thoughts signified that I was beginning to cultivate genuine confidence and self-love. One thing in particular stood out: the start of my ceasing to compare myself with other people in order to validate myself.

If I have to look at someone else’s level of achievement to gauge how I feel about my life, that isn’t growth. All of us are on our own journey. I don’t want to feel bad because I think someone is better off than me, and I don’t want to be dismissive of another’s accomplishments in order to think I’m doing better than they are or to feel better about myself. I’m not growing and becoming secure with who I am if I need to judge or tear people down to lift myself up. I don’t want to hurt people by using words and carrying out actions that chip away at their self-esteem—to have their misery make me feel better. I don’t want to tarnish anyone’s character by pointing out their behavior or actions in a way that attempts to prove I’m smarter, more evolved, more enlightened, or overall just better than they are in order to feel secure about myself. No one deserves to have me beat them down emotionally because I’m insecure, hurting, or upset. No excuse excuses mistreating others. Stopping the cycle of emotional abuse begins with self.

Not only did I need to be aware of how I was mistreating others, I also had to hold myself accountable and not point blame at others for not wanting to be around me when I’d say or do something to wound their self-esteem or wreck their good day. Whether I behaved in that manner from knowingly or unknowingly being jealous of their happiness or good fortune, or I was being cruel because that’s what came to surface from the depth of my misery, none of that exempted me from being responsible for hurting people. No one was obligated to accept my mistreatment because of my emotional wounds, and that did not make them an uncaring or selfish person either. They, too, needed to acknowledge what was good for their mental well-being and not be in my presence if I was psychologically hurting them.

We’re human, not robots without emotion, incapable of making mistakes, or programed with the ability to always say the right thing. Therefore, our words and actions won’t always be healthy or kind toward ourselves and others, yet having awareness allows us to work at it so we may sincerely be kinder, more respectful, and loving to ourselves and those around us. Healing and growth means consciously creating less strife in our life and in the lives of others. Having peace and love within ourselves allows us to project those feelings into the world.

It is also essential for me to dedicate this book to the kind-hearted people who are by our side when we’re battling a hollow reality—those of you who love us and provide us with support and comfort when we need it. Thank you for your patience, understanding, and unconditional love.

With love,

Hailima